And it Snows; Again.

Yep we have snow falling here. Now if I was back in NC this would be the first time it would have snowed and I would out in it playing with my friends, brothers, and possibly my husband. Nothing would be open, and almost no one would be on the road. Wal-mart would have been out of milk and bread as soon as the weather man even though of the word "snow" and if it wasn't winter break and a Saturday school would have been canceled the night before.

But this isn't NC, this is the Maryland/Penn line. Wal-mart still has milk and bread, and there are people driving back and fourth on our little country rode all day long. This is also the third time it has snowed this week alone. It snowed on Christmas Eve (Tuesday), and Wednesday, and now again on Saturday. I don't think that has ever happened back home in NC, at least not that I can remember. I'm also not used to how quickly the snow piles up here, it almost never does that back home and if we do get a lot of snow it always snows at night and it magically goes from no snow to a few inches. We only had more then a few inches once that I can remember back home. I'm not sure how much we are supposed to be getting but the trees that were completely deprived of snow now have about two or so inches on the branches.

I'm not really a big fan of snow, I don't mind it, but I get sick of it quickly. A day or two of snow on the ground is enough for me. I don't really like cold weather either, I get cold easily. Even now the only thing that gets hot is my belly, the rest of my stays icy, and my husband will tell you the same thing. Snow is pretty to look at though, and it was nice to have a white christmas this year, that has only happened once in my life back home in 2010, and even then it wasn't white tell after the sun went down, it was just white before it hit midnight.

Snow does have a special meaning to me now though. That white christmas back in 2010 was when Sterling was conceived (well then or three days after since that's how long sperm lasts). I lost Sterling the day I got a positive preg test it was a Thursday and then the Monday following it snowed again. We were out of school for a week, I needed to break from school so it was nice, even though all the snow was gone before the week was over. Snow is Sterling's middle name. It was actually the middle name we had put with Sterling before I had gotten pregnant. I'm glad we agreed to use that name for him, I would have always thought about snow when I though of him. He is the one represented by the snowflake in my tattoo for my little ones, Serenity a butterfly, Feodora a pumpkin, and Devon a panda. All surrounded in a heart.

But even though snow means so much to me, I'm ready to see this go away. it is calling for a mix again on Tuesday and I've learned that "mix" really just means "snow". I'm not used to driving in the snow and I really don't want to have to drive in it to my appointment on Wednesday. :( I'm also kind of sick of the cold that come along with it, I feel like my toes are going to fall off. But oh well, I'm going to need to get used to snow, and used to driving in it sometime, as after all my husband is adamant about not moving south again. It would also make it so that his family would almost never get to see this baby as they don't have the money to go traveling to visit people.

I think that's about it. I'm done complaining about snow. I'll just look at it out of my window, curled up in a blanket and drinking hot chocolate.

~Cathrin

The snow was basically gone....
(click to make bigger)

Random Stuff.

Got blood work done today, nothing big just the one that screens for nuraltube defects and downs. I don't expect it to come back and say that anything is wrong, but there is always that fear in my head. After all, no one really expects that any test will say something bad. So we'll see what happens.

Other then the blood work we grabbed some stuff from wal-mart that we needed, like deodorant and tooth brush heads. We also picked up one of those Britta water bottles. I've been meaning to drink more water but the water tastes funky so I've been avoiding it. So now I can drink more water that doesn't taste odd. Also my appetite has been getting better (not that it ever went away) and tomatoes are a little more tolerable then they have been so far this pregnancy which is nice.

I also wrote my first check today. Yay me. LOL. My mother told me how to write them a few years ago though I did double check it on the internet to make sure I remembered it right. The check was to pay off what we owe Allstate. We decided that since we have the money left from Christmas we would get that bill off of our backs. We still have to pay off the Sprint bill but we didn't get that much money so we just paid off the one we could afford. It is nice to have that off of our back. The first thing we want to do when Chris gets that job in January is pay that bill off, that way we're out of debt. Then we need new tires, a spar tire, car insurance, baby stuff. Oh and a place of course but lets work on all of that stuff first.

On the baby front, My next appointment is on Wednesday, it's always on a Wednesday. She said that I would get either the stuff for my Rho-gram shot or the GB test at this upcoming appointment. I don't remember which she said. The Monday after that appointment we have the anatomy scan. I'm excited to know for sure the gender (well as sure as you can be before the kid is born). I'm also terrified that there will be something wrong. I never would have been scared about it if I hadn't been a part of the loss community for so long, I never would have known how much can go wrong; how often babies have things wrong that make them incomparable with life outside the womb. I'd actually wished that sex-ed had told me more about the possibility of losing a baby then just sex=baby. But then again, I do miss being that naive; I wish i could go back to that.

But on a happier note this kid has been kicking me the whole time as I wrote this. I love feeling kicks especially now that they are getting so strong. I can't wait tell all of the kicks are strong enough to be felt from the out side. Right now it's just a few here and there, and hubby never has his hand on my belly then. And I'm so excited to be able to use the baby's name when I talk to him/her.

~Cathrin

Christmas

Well Merry belated Christmas (if that's what you celebrate). I had a pretty good christmas. Hubby got new pants, he's been just squeezing into his old pants, he's been gaining all my pregnancy weight, he also got a video game and shoes. I was given a camera, new PJ's, a diaper bag and shoes.

I had wanted shoes because the only comfortable shoes I have the moment are my one pair of tennis  I wanted something that I'll still be able to get on and off when I get bigger.  I did a horrible job of describing what I wanted to my hubby. I said something like "I want shoes that are like Cogs but flat." Yeah because he know what kind of shoe that is. But somehow it worked and he got me comfy slip on shoes that are more then acceptable to wear out of the house.

My mom's side of the family passed some money our way, my mom required that we spend some of it on gifts for each other. We decided that what we wanted to do was go out and have a nice romantic dinner. So on Saturday we went out. Granted it was crowded and loud but I don't really think that either of us cared, and besides that's what happens this time of year. We went to the cheesecake factory, I've been there before so I knew they had good food that I eat, and it's a pretty romantic place, that wouldn't use up to much of our money. After all, we do still have to use it to put gas in the car.

Other then that not a whole lot going on, my brother-in-laws got video games and clothes. and we had a nice christmas dinner. It also snowed here on Christmas eve and again today. I'm not used to snow and I'm pretty ready for it to go away. But here are some pictures of what we got.

Chris's Stuff.

My stuff.

Taco got a bone, that used to be the other dogs. (he's mother-in-laws dog)

Oh and here is a belly pic; I took this yesterday.
18 weeks.

~Cathrin

Lopsided Bubbles, and Dreams.

This morning I woke and rolled gently onto my back, I was still half asleep but It seems to have become my ritual since I can still get up from that position with out an issue. I like to lay on my back for a few minutes from time to time so that I can rest my sides a little bit. But as I was laying there I was running my hand over my bubble, (that is what I call my uterus) and I realized that one side was higher then the other. I knew that it was because I had been the side I was laying on and the baby was still over there, probably sleeping. I of course actually looked at my tummy and there I could see the baby on the one side. I naturally thought this was the coolest thing ever, it's the first time it's happened this pregnancy so I was excited. Naturally I reached over to my hubby and pocked him awake. He woke up and I told him to look and he does. He goes "Cool." however, the tone of his voice said something the lines of "you seriously just woke me up for that? I want to go back to sleep." I sigh and say "You just want to go back to sleep don't you." His response was as I expected "yeah pretty much." or something to that affect, he rolled back over. I said "well I thought it was super cool." and he was out. He's good at that, just falling asleep because he sets his mind to it. I wish I was like that. But at least he's easy for me to wake up.

Of course if I hadn't woken him up and had just told him about it later he would be pretty mad with me. He doesn't want to miss anything, he missed everything with my previous pregnancies so it's pretty important to us. I do pretty much narrate every time I feel a kick, I think this is starting to annoy him. Mostly because he can't feel then yet. We do both know that the dog will probably be the first thing that knows you can feel kicks on the out side. He'll probably get kicked in the face. It will be pretty funny.

Also the night before last, (Wednesday night) I had the most horrific dream. I had a dream that we had just brought a baby girl home from the hospital and when I woke up that morning she was dead. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail because the dream still terrifies me. This however isn't the first time that I dreamed about losing this baby. I had a dream a month or so ago about going into early labor at home and having the baby on the toilet and then my hubby rushing us too the hospital. That dream ended before I woke up while still on the way to the hospital. This dream was just so different, I guess because of the fact that I had held her and fed her and she was real to my dream self, the other dream had seemed more like a dream. I had woken with a start right as it hit my dream self that she was gone. I was terrified and I woke up my hubby and he held me tight. I didn't go back to sleep tell after he had gone to go Christmas shopping with his mom. I had told him that I was never sleeping again he said "We'll see how that works out for you." I was of course asleep by the time that my hubby had come back home, I didn't how ever sleep tell the sun came up and was lighting up my room. It some how made me feel safer. I'm really starting to wish that pregnancy didn't make me dream, I used to never dream.

Other then that today is the end of the world. I will probably post a one sentence blog tomorrow that says "I'm still alive." I know that there is like a specific time and all but we'll just go with the whole day, maybe the gods of world destruction will be late. :) (<~ that was sarcasm)

I would also like to note that since some people on babycenter seem to think that because I don't write about looking for jobs and such that we don't do it. That's not true. This is a blog, not my diary, there is a lot of things that I don't put up here. I don't want my entire life up on here for people to judge, just the parts I feel like sharing. And I honestly thought that "still looking for a job" would be inferred by my lack of update other wise.

Any way, I need to eat and do more cleaning (jeez that is never ending!).
~Cathrin

Reflection on Friday's events.

My husband and I don't really watch a lot of TV. I pretty much watch it while I'm eating and don't the rest of the day. I've always been much more of a reader then a TV person. So naturally I don't anything about the elementary school shooting tell Saturday when I get on babycenter to check up with a few friends.

I "hear" them talking about it and then I naturally sent my phone's browser over to Google and searched for it. In all honesty; I wish I had just kept myself in the dark. I didn't watch any of the videos that were available on the various news websites I just read the article. Naturally like everyone who heard about it my heart broke. I know the pain of losing a child and I think that makes it hurt even more. I can't fathom how anyone could do anything like that, to anyone anywhere. The fact that it happened to elementary school children, children who were just learning to read and write, who had so much life ahead of them. That makes it even more unfathomable.

I naturally am terrified of the thought of sending this baby or any we have in the future to school. I also can't stop myself from thinking that if this could happen in an elementary school then what is to stop it from happening at a preschool? Or even a daycare? This whole thing seemed to happen because that guy was mad at his mom, maybe specifically because of her job. What would have happened if she had taught preschool or daycare instead of elementary school? Probably an even more heart wrenching tragedy then the one that did take place.

When I was in eighth grade (I believe it was then at least) the Virginia tech shooting took place. My English teacher my first semester in college had been there when it had happened. She told us all about the day that it had happened and what she had been doing when it happened. She had just left her dorm for the day and was headed for class. She heard shots and got a call from her boyfriend (or she called him I don't remember exactly) and he told her to go back to her dorm and lock the door. She had friends who died that day, that day actually made her realize that she wanted to marry her boyfriend, and she did. She told us how it changed her and them. I remember that last year there was another shooting there, but I don't remember hearing that anyone got hurt that time.

That same year my older brother had been sent home from school because of a boom threat at his high school. I don't remember if the boom had been real or not. I do know that there had been threats at the school before where the boom had been real. I had friends who had gone there at the time and they told me about it.

When I got into high school there weren't any boom threats but we had drills for one all the time. While I was there my sophomore year someone brought a gun to school, apparently a friend had told on the hid who brought it and the principal and resource officer got it out of the kids locker. It was a real gun, but it wasn't operable. We had been told to switch to our fourth period classes early and then were put on lock down, they came over the PA speaker and told us about it after they got the gun out. We had very little class time left when they announced it, we didn't get sent home and that bother me a little. The next day a letter was sent home with us. Not that by that time all of our parents didn't know about.  I'm pretty sure that kid was arrested.

My senior year another gun was brought to school, this time the gun was a bebe gun. I believe that a girl brought it. I remember watching the officer and the principals run from the main office area to the 300 hall, (which is where the science classes were) though the window in the cafeteria while I ate lunch. This time a note was sent home that day. According to the note the gun was operable but there was no ammo. I believe she was arrested, I remember my friends talking about how it was kind of stupid to bring the gun without ammo. She had said that if she was going to do something like that, which would certainly get her arrested then she was going to go ahead and bring the stupid ammo. She never would have done anything like that but she had a point, you're going to get arrested anyway, why not go the whole nine yards?

I also grew up in a pretty nice area, there were problem kids just like anywhere, but I didn't feel like I was in danger if I were to walk home from school at midnight or later.

Anyway this whole thing with these twenty, six and seven year old kids being killed at school just makes me want to home school my kids even more. I've always wanted too, I was teased a lot in middle school because I was smart and tall, and I don't want that for my kids. My hubby says how we can't afford homeschooling, well maybe five years from now we can. And if we can't I did see something on tv a while back about public school online. Maybe that would be a good idea, I can always put my kids in sports and scouts so that they can make friends. I did after all really like scouts.

Anyway I think that's about it.
~Cathrin.

Next Ultrasound 1/7/13!!!!

This whole pregnancy I've planed on knowing the baby's gender before Christmas. We don't have money to spare so it was kind of important to me that I find out and tell everyone in some cute way that if we're having a boy or a girl. Guess what's NOT happening. Yeah, you guessed it, me finding out before Christmas.

So what happened was I called the hospital to schedule my appointment and they refused to give me anything before I hit 20 weeks. It seems a little strict to me but I understand the reasoning. The Anatomy scan is NOT about finding out if the baby is a boy or a girl, it's to make sure that everything is there and developing properly. I will probably be worried about finding out something horrible when we go down for the scan but hopefully the results will be just as good as the ones from the NT scan were.

I'm pretty sure that I've mentioned this before but I also really just don't care if the baby is a boy or girl. I would actually love to wait tell birth to find out but my hubby just has to know, he even suggested that he find out and not tell me so that I wouldn't know. I vetoed that idea. There is no way on earth I could not go insane if he knew the gender and I didn't I would be begging him every day. So, we're finding out at the anatomy scan in January. I would have gotten an elective ultrasound at one of those places that do the 3D/4D ultrasounds to find out the gender, but they are almost 100 bucks for 15 minutes, and like two pics so I think not. If I had money to do something like that then maybe but right now I just don't.

Speaking of money, at this moment my hubby is at an Job interview, his youngest brother is there with him. He has an interview after hubby. Hopefully they both get it and they can car pool even though my hubby would be the only one driving as his brother doesn't have a licence or car. Basically I'm just praying that he gets this job so we can pay off bills and maybe move out before this little one gets here.

I think that's about it, if not I'll just write a new post. :)

~Cathrin

Sometimes, I Can't Think of a Title

Here at my mother-in-laws, the tradition is to put the Christmas tree up on thanksgiving, or the day following. Back home it was more of a "whenever the living room was clean enough too put the tree up" so normally it wasn't up tell about two weeks maybe three weeks before Christmas  it didn't get taken down tell after new years. Another difference between my mother-in-laws house and my parents house is that the tree here gets turned off, back home that thing was on from the day it was put up tell the day it was taken down. We were all much to lazy to go over an unplug the tree every night just to plug it in the next morning, we also never had a real tree. One year we had plugged the tree into the socket that had a switch to turn it on and off, that year the tree did get turned off. But only that year. Here the tree has an extension cord that has a little button on it that you step on. This turns the lights on and off. My mother-in-law is worried about the house catching on fire from it, but when you consider that the house in over a hundred years old, and that if you use have the Tree, PS3, bathroom heater, and microwave on at the same time a fuse get's blown; it probably really would catch fire.

Also there isn't a lot of family time. I think that in the seven or eight months that I've lived here there has never been a time where everyone was just sitting in the living room watching TV. Back home we would watch tv a lot (but that's normal) but we also had a lot of family sit down dinners where we were all sitting at the table eating or at least everyone was sitting in the living room eating together. Here we don't have a dining room table, at least not that is put up anywhere.

On a more baby front my mother-in-law has expressed that she wants to be called "mom mom". I'm trying to figure out a nice way to tell her "no way in hell". It is a million times to close to mom for me and guess what, I'm mom. She also hates the names that we've come up with for the baby she likes the middle name for the girl name and will call her that. I'm pretty okay with her using the middle name, I plan on using the first and middle together most of the time and Hubby is only going to use the first name so it's not a big deal for her to use the middle instead of the first. When it comes to the boy name however she apparently doesn't like the middle name either so she said she is going to call the baby if it's a boy "CK". C is the first letter in the first name we have picked out and K is what our last name starts with.

Lets start off by saying that I'm not a big fan of nicknames. I know that it's a little hypocritical but I do actually plan on legally changing my name to Cathrin, at some point when I have you know, money. Now as far as nicknames go for my kids, I don't really have an issue if over time the kids name got shortened to something after hanging out with friends and such. That is kind of what happened with Feodora getting shortened to Feo but that has more to do with it's just super cute and it's way faster to type, as you know Feo can't actually have friends. But when it comes to CK instead of his actual name I'm not okay with it. It's not something that naturally happened over time it's something this grandmother is planning before the kid is even board because she decided that she doesn't have to use the name I like. Would she do that for a grown adult? I seriously doubt it. That would be like saying "I realize that you're name that your name is Cameron but I don't like that name so I'm going to call you CJ because it's you're initials and I like that better." That would go over so well right?

Now CK is more of something I would use online on my blog, except I would probably use CDK because CK is my, and my Hubby's initials too. I don't really ever plan on using any living children's real names on here for their protection.

If I didn't live with my mother-in-law than I wouldn't have an issue with just telling her "Hey NO to mom mom and NO to CK"; but I am and I don't want to step on her toes, as after all we're living here for free...

~Cathrin

Ultrasound pics.

I know I've been missing for a while. but there hasn't been a lot of things for me to say. Well I guess for the past couple of weeks there has been but my hubby is constantly on my computer and when I get on I'm tired and ready for bed, so I never feel up to doing a blog post.

First things first, I am perfectly healthy. Second, the baby is perfectly healthy, actually a little ahead I do believe. Third my plan this month was to write a book, and well I started and I reached about 5,000 words in a span of two weeks and I knew that while I could defiantly write this book no problem I would not finish in the time I had wanted or that was required for "winning" NaNoWriMo, where the goal is write 50,000 words in the month of November.  I think the main reason for that is because this is not the kind of thing that I normally write. This was and is geared toward an adult reader, and the whole conflict in the story is going to be in my main characters head. It has great potential but it's something that is going to take a long time to write and right now I'm worried about one thing or another so it's hard to focus.

My last OB appointment was the 7th, we heard the heart beat on the Doppler  it was strong at 170 bpm. I had been terrified that we wouldn't find the heartbeat, and that I had lost the baby but hadn't started to miscarry yet. You know all the typical fears of an expectant mother who had lost babies to miscarriage and stillbirth. While we were there my doctor gave us the referral to get the NT scan at the hospital. And I scheduled it for the following Friday, the 16th.

The NT scan, as far as I know, went well. We got to see out little one, I have a few pictures that I'll put here at the end. We asked how big the baby was and the tech said "about 3 and 3/4 inches." of course the measurement is head to butt but that's a little big for be only being 12 weeks and 6 days at the time. We also got a gender guess, we asked if she could tell us and she said that she was 70% sure of the gender she told us. We're not telling anyone the gender tell the anatomy scan, we don't want people to get something gender specific and then the baby to be the other gender. Also my hubby's mother wants our baby to be a little girl so bad, as she had only boys. I don't want her to be disappointed if we say "girl" and it's really a boy, though she would really happy if we said "boy" and it was really a girl.

On the Job front, because I'm sure you all remember that neither my hubby or I have a job at the moment. Hubby should be getting a job in January if not before, I'm really excited for January now, we will finally be able to by something for this baby. And pay off bills that have piled up and get insurance on the car again. You know all that important stuff that you have to have money to do.

But any way hear are some pictures of our baby.

Face, this is our favorite picture.

Legs! The left leg on the left and the right leg on the right.

Profile! you can see the nose, legs and an arm.

Hand, the right I think.

Update

Okay forgive me for not blogging please. I've been writing and spending time with hubby and the dogs and the TV. I have no idea what I said last time I made a post but I figured I would check in.

I am now nine weeks and some odd days pregnant. Everything seems to be going fine. I have a lot of hip pain sometimes to the point where I can't move, and my amazing hubby helps me up and stuff. I am off the progesterone! Yay! And my next appointment is November 7th. That isn't that far off from now is it? Mostly I'm just scatterbrained right now. I need to go have blood work done but I keep forgetting! It's just for STD's since the Specialist didn't run those, and I know I don't have any, hubby was my first, and he's been tested so no STD's for us. Yay right? But I have been having Round ligament pain. which is made worse by the constipation I had the other day. I feel a lot better today though. Still no morning sickness, but I don't expect it.

Since I don't remember posting since after my ultrasound I'll update you on my appointment with my normal OB. Not a whole lot happened they don't have stuff that can hear the baby tell ten weeks. And there really wasn't anything for her to do other then inform me that I had gained basically two pounds since they weighed me there. I actually lost a pound and half from what the specialist's scale said on my first visit there. I want to gain as little as possible as I'm already over weight. She told me what hospitals they deliver at and neither or them allow water births as far as I could see. I kind of want to give that a try but I know that even if I switched OB's to the hospital that does do them I might not be able to do it anyway. All I really want to be able to do is get up and walk around the room, take a shower/bath, sit on one of those gigantic balls while I'm getting to the pushing part. I don't want to be tire to my bed, I want to have a natural birth and I deal with pain best by moving around. SO if I can't do that at either hospital they deliver at then I'll probably switch to a different OB with a hospital that lets me do that, or maybe even a midwife but I'm not sure if my insurance covers that, which matters a lot.

But I think that's about it.
~Cathrin

Yesterday's Ultrasound

There is my little Baby Blob. Blobby. I have no idea how I got Blobby but it's cute and I kind of like it. I cannot stop looking at the ultrasound picture of my Baby, it seems so unreal but there he is. Blobby has a beautiful heart beat, I don't know how many Beats per minute but they didn't say anything about it being bad or anything, We got to see it, but no hear it but I think they just might not have had the sound on. But it was a cute little flashy light and I thought that was so cool.

Blobby measured 6 weeks 5 days plus of minus 2 days, which when hubby and I were talking while they were out of the room while I got dressed again and they decided on my due date we said plus two days matches up perfectly with the due date I had come up with by O date. When the doctor came back she gave me a the due date of May 25th which was minus one day. So my due date moved three days back. It feels weird actually; like I'm having to redo the rest of week six but I'll survive. She also said that it will probably change with the ultrasounds that the OB will do now that the RE's office has kicked me out. LOL.

It is also official that there is only one Blob in there. Not two, which is more then fine by both hubby and I, mostly for finical reasons, I know that both of use would want twins if we could afford it. Also my mother-in-law was a little under impressed with my ultrasound picture. Basically she wants to see the Blobby when he looks like a baby, but I'm perfectly happy seeing my Blob. I can't wait to see him again.

My first appointment with the normal OB is set for next Wednesday at one. I am excited.

~Cathrin

Much Ado About Nothing

I've been wanting to write a blog post about something for a few days now, the main reason that I haven't written anything is that there really isn't much to say.

I am anxiously awaiting my ultrasound tomorrow morning and I am terrified that there will be something wrong. That my little one won't have a heart beat, or that he will have stopped growing a couple of weeks ago. I'm basically worried that something has gone horribly wrong. I don't a gut feeling that something is wrong, just a worry that something is wrong. Of course I push those worries to the back of my brain and do my best to be happy and enjoy my pregnancy but I would be laying if I said I'm not worried. I've even broken down in tears and told my hubby that I'm scared I'll lose the baby. Of course he would be losing the baby too but it would be my failure, not his. Yet again.

Currently I have  UTI (urinary track infection) I've had them before I get them a lot actually but I'm pretty sure that my progesterone is mostly to blame for this one. I actually looked at the little paper thing in my progesterone box sure enough UTI is listed under the adverse reactions thing. I'm just hoping that when I tell the doctor about it tomorrow she'll tell me what to do. I know that Cranberry juice is good at getting rid of UTI's and I've been meaning to ask my mother-in-Law to pick some up for me but money is tight and I hate to ask stuff like that from them; after all they are letting us live here for free. I really don't want to take any medications in the first trimester but if that's what's best then that's what I'll do.

But that is really all that's going on with us. Hubby is still trying to get a job, but so far no luck. Just under 13 hours tell we get to see Baby (or babies for all we know) I don't think I'll be getting a lot of sleep tonight.

~Cathrin

Progesterone

So that's my Progesterone Supplement, Endometrin. I don't mind the little medication. It gives me peace of mind with this pregnancy and so far I haven't really had any symptoms from it other then chocky stuff in my panties when it's almost time to take the medication again.  The first think I thought when I saw the pills was "These things are fricken horse pills". Of course they aren't as big as a pill a horse would take, or at least I assume that a horse pill is about the size of my fist, but it's defiantly bigger then anything I've taken by mouth. Which actually makes me happy that it's taken vaginally rather then orally.

The only annoying thing about this medication is that it seems that there is just one thing or another that keeps me for getting it, it's a good thing I have samples. But I originally gave it to the CVS near me, they said they would order it for me and get it in on Monday. On Monday they called me and told me that they couldn't get it in so joy. I took it to another pharmacy and of course my insurance needs a justification from the doctor for the medication before they'll pay for it. So while that goes through I'll have to pay $150 a box for the stuff. Hopefully it will have gone through before I'm out of samples but what is the likely hood of that, right?

Yesterday I went back in and had more blood drown, only one vile this time. I called back a little after one and they told me that my numbers were great and that they wanted me to schedule an appointment for an ultrasound next week. So I got one next Wednesday at 10:00 am. I'm excited to see Baby and I hope that everything is alright with him/her. I will be seven weeks exactly then. We shall see if they change my due date from the 22ed, but I doubt it since I know my O day, and if they do I'm pretty sure it will only be a day or two one way or the other.

Anyway here are some belly pics:

I feel like I'm getting gigantic really quickly. I'm also starting to get a funny feeling that there is more then one in there. But we'll find out soon enough.

I'm exhausted and going to head off to bed,
~Cathrin

Hcg and Progesterone

I went to the RE today. It wasn't in the plan when I wrote my last post but yesterday they called to ask about recurrent loss blood work. I haven't had it, and I told the nurse such and then told her that I'm pregnant.  She and I had a talk about what they would do for me that the normal OB wouldn't so I scheduled to have blood work done this morning at 9:30.

I'm not one of those people who get squeamish at the sight of their own blood so it was pretty much just me talking to the girl who was taking me blood as she filled at least ten vials most of them a pretty good size. They checked my HCG and progesterone, as well as a ton of other stuff I don't really remember but some were for genetic traits. I was told to call back at noon to find out the results of the HCG.

We got home just before ten. We had gotten there quite a bit early and we were seen right away. I actually left the office before my appointment was actually scheduled. So I waited around impatiently for noon to roll around I thought about calling early but decided against it. Finally noon came and I called.

My worst fear was that they would tell me that the test came back negative and that I wasn't pregnant. Of course that didn't happen but I was worried about it. My Hcg levels are great (or so says google) at 9,600. My Progesterone is another story. I was told that it is low and that I need to take endometrin twice a day, she asked me to call the pharmacy that were around me see if they carried it. Of course they don't; we live in the middle of no where and apparently no one here needs this medication. I called back and told her they didn't have it and she told me to go down there tomorrow and get a bag with my name on it. This bag is going to have samples of the progesterone, a prescription for it, a $50 off coupon, and a card for a pharmacy that she knows has the medication. The pharmacy will be half an hour away from us, as it's close to their office.

Hearing that my progesterone is low is freaking me out. I'm terrified that I'll lose this baby. That is the last thing that I want to happen but I can't really stop it. I don't know if we would go back to TTC if we lost this baby. I refuse to think about that possibility to much actually, I have to think positively for my own sanity if no one else.

Thoughts, prayers, what every it is you do would be greatly appreciated.
~Cathrin

HPT Results

Okay I know I've been missing a few days (well closer to a week no isn't it?). And I realize that those of you who do read this (people do read this right?) have probably been waiting anxiously to find out the results of my pregnancy test that was supposed to be taken sometime between my last post and well yesterday. So I will tell you all now. Warning, this might me a little long.

Friday night I was talking to my very close friend who is like a sister to me and I was talking to her about taking a pregnancy test and what symptoms I'd been having. She wanted me to test on Saturday morning and I said that I might or might not. I was spending way to much time on baby center which made me want to test of course. But I wasn't sure I was going to, I still wasn't expecting AF for a few more days and I sure as hell didn't feel pregnant.

On Saturday morning I woke and went to the bathroom I went ahead and peed into the little plastic desposible cup that I use for well OPK's and HPT's. I use the cup thing because I will miss if I just try to pee on the stick and that's no fun. Anyway I put the cup aside and was just looking at the test still in it wrapper I wasn't sure if I was actually going to use the thing. After all I was pretty sure that it was going to tell me that I wasn't pregnant and I really didn't want to "hear" that. Finally I decided that I would use the FRER because my sissy wanted me to test. After all if I didn't get a positive with it I would just wait tell AF was late and then test again, and if it wasn't then I would just keep that test tell we got the go ahead to TTC again. So I opened the wrapper and dipped the test.

I was watching the test and I couldn't see any wetness in the little window yet I looked away for a couple of seconds at most and then looked back. The wetness hadn't reached the control line yet and there it was staring at me the pink line that means "Hey you! You're pregnant!". My immediate reaction was "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god" times about twenty. I had put the box with my last pregnancy test back under the sink hidden behind stuff before I had used the FRER. First thing I did was snap a picture of the test, less then  a minute after I had dipped the thing in the pee. then I went back under the sink and pulled out the last test and tried to open the wrapper.

Let me tell you something, that wrapper on the Answer pregnancy test is HARD to open. I'm sure that the fact that I was in shock and that my hands were shaking horribly had something to do with how hard it was to open but still I fought with this thing, for at least a minute. I ended up looking around the bathroom for anything sharp enough to help me get this thing open. You know what I found to help? Tweezers. Yep that was as good as it got. So I grabbed these tweezers and tried to stab the wrapper and get a hole in it. You know how well that worked? It didn't. So then I just used them like well, tweezers, and finally by some miracle the test opened! I pulled the test out and dipped it in my cup and then set it down. I think I put the tweezers back but I don't really remember doing it. The Answer pregnancy test was positive just as fast as the FRER. I was in shock and I took another picture with them both in it.

Right now the tests are sitting tight beside me. I had to look at them every two minutes on Saturday for me to believe it. It really hasn't sunk in yet honestly, I'm a little bit in shock that they are positive. I've told a few people abut the baby, and after we tell the family on Friday I'll officially announce it on FB.

I want to tell everyone so soon because I've lost before and I want people to share in my happiness at this moment, and if goddess forbid anything does go wrong then I will have people's support with out having to say "well I was pregnant but I just found out I'm having a miscarriage." And there isn't a "safe" part of pregnancy anyway so why wait to tell people.

Today I am exactly five weeks pregnant. My first appointment is of next Wednesday at one. I asked for something sooner but the receptionist assured me that there was no appointments before that. I'm nervous for waiting that "long" but hopefully I'll get to see a heartbeat when I go in for the appointment as I will be six weeks then.

FRER less than a minute after testing.

Top is Answer test two minutes after testing. FRER is five minutes on the bottom.

Just a nicer picture of the FRER after the test had dried.

Top is Answer, bottom is FRER.

Answer test after it dried.

Just decided to make one of the tests prettier, I believe this is the FRER

Hope you liked my photos :)
~Cathrin

16 DPO

I am 16 DPO today, and all I can really do is wonder where all that time went because it seems like the time between 3 DPO and today has just gotten up and ran away. I think the main reason that it's seemed to fly by is because I just haven't been obsessing about symptoms or when I should test. I like the laid back feeling honestly, I don't like worrying or stressing and since I was doing almost nothing but stressing from the time I scheduled the appointment with the RE tell the appointment was over. the lack of stress the past two weeks has been a nice change for me.

I have yet to take a pregnancy test, I joined a group on baby center in the may birth club that said I wouldn't test before four days before AF. So I could have tested today as it's now four days before but I didn't, I just didn't feel like it. I may or may not test tomorrow, honestly I'm leaning toward not. I had originally planned on not testing tell Sunday which is two days before but I think I might actually just wait tell I'm late. I just don't feel pregnant. I don't not feel pregnant either though so I'm mentally preparing myself for both scenarios.

I'm actually thinking I'll be perfectly okay with it if I'm not pregnant this cycle. I want to start all the fertility testing, I want to know if there is a problem, and if it can be fixed. Of course I would rather be pregnant this cycle and not need to spend the money on the testing and treatments. But, I also don't want to be pregnant this cycle and have a miscarriage that could have been prevented with a few tests and some kind of treatment. So I think I'll be happy whichever way this cycle turns out, because if I'm not pregnant we'll be working toward that goal, and if I am we'll be on our way to having a rainbow. (I also think it would be kind of funny if the cycle that I started this blog I got pregnant. It would be kind of ironic.)

Now I'm going to play a video game while hubby refuses to wake up.
~Cathrin.

Berkana

This is Berkana, This is the Nordic rune for fertility. It's been my favorite since I started studying runes three or four years ago. I used to actually carry this rune around me with everywhere, but it got left back home when I moved with the rest of my half finished homemade set of runes. Right about now I wish I had it with me so I could just hold it and maybe try to meditate with it though I've never been very good at that. Here's a little info I found through goodsearch since my book on the subject has gotten up and ran away from me:

“How to Interpret "Berkana"

Either a pregnancy or a new start in a person's life is indicated here -- or the fertility of a new business venture. Berkana indicates a fresh perspective, a good start. Aside from a physical birth, a rebirth, or a burst of creativity may be indicated.”

 Me and anyone who is trying could use some of the properties of this rune right about now. Especially those who have been trying for years and still don't have their little bundle of joy. May we all get our little ones soon.

I'm also hoping that the two full moons in august will have somehow helped me get pregnant this cycle. I defiantly believe in the power of the moon and the association of the full moon with fertility. The first full moon last month was the day before AF appeared and I had cramps that night which made me feel like it was about to show up. And then O'ed right before the blue moon which puts O in the waxing part of the moons cycle rather then the waning. My O last cycle was in the waning phase which isn't a good phase to begin things, and is literally the least fertile that the moon goes through (maybe the new moon is less fertile I'm a little rusty on the moon phases, I've been slacking on my studies). So hopefully the good phases of the moon around O will help me get my BFP when I test.

I'm still getting those stabbing pains though they aren't as bad as the were at first. Hopefully the stabbing pains were implantation but we'll see.

Baby dust for all,
~Cathrin

This and That.

I've never really been into video games, I don't have anything specifically against them, I'm just not good at them. I've played a few computer games, I'm actually better at them then the games on something like xbox or PlayStation. So the fact that I've actually been playing the Star wars game we got, I've been playing it a lot actually and that's probably not really a good thing. I've never been good a sports either, I did band through middle and high school. I play Bassoon, which is actually a really hard instrument to play. Here is a picture. (the left is the front and the right is the back)

So music is my "first" love. I also did choirs in elementary school. My "Second" love is writing which has been blocked since I got my appointment with the fertility specialist, I should take out my cool little writing program now that it's past and I"m happily in my 3ww, but that video game is what I've been doing instead and my hubby actually got annoyed the other day when he saw me on baby center on my other computer instead of the game. I just about smacked him. It's my computer after all, and if I want to use it to do something other then play a video game then I can. He told me to use the lap top but instead, and I instantly complained about the fact that this keyboard is crappy and the other one is the kind helps you not get carpal tunnel. which is important with how much I write, and My dad actually get it last year and had to have surgery for it. I don't want that.

But much more on a 3ww note, Yesterday and today I've been having sharp stabbing pains around where my uterus is. I've never had anything really like that before. AF is never bad for me, cramps are mild and normally only the first day, and the actual bleeding only lasts about three maybe four days. I might sound like a complete baby to you ladies about complaining about getting these painful stabbing pains when you get that or maybe worse every single month AF comes; but for me I don't have bad pains like that so it's new and surprising and since I AF hasn't appeared yet maybe it's a good sign? I can hope it is right? I'm not saying this is the worst pain I've ever been in by the way, I get pains down the center of my chest that make it impossible for me to move and make the pains I've been feeling look like a walk in the park. It's just that this is new to me, and I'm a little surprised.

I think that's about it, I really do need to start working on my writing soon.
~Cathrin

Dream

Yep two posts today. Go me this might actually end up getting published after midnight but it's still the same day to me. This is probably going to be all over the place which is actually how I normally think, all over the place. The funny thing is when I start to write, when I put my fingers to the keyboard my brain focoses a little better and I have a better thought process.

First I think we'll talk about the dream that I had last night; of did I talk about that in my last post? Anyway last night I had a crazy dream, it's actually really weird for me to remember a dream at all; the last time I actually remembered a dream I think I was in my last 3ww. It seems to be something that only happenes after I O which is kind of funny to me actually.

But my dream started out with me getting a BFP, not just any BFP but a darker then the controle line BFP. I instantly knew I was dreaming because the test was a wondfo test and I rean out of those last cycle. The only two tests that I have left are an Answer and a FRER (I'll add that too the abrveations list soon). Then I was back home, hubby and I were with my mother and two brothers in the old mini-van that broke down back in July. As we were driving down Highway 49 a storm came out of no where, not just any kind of storm though, there were tornados, not just one but three, four, maybe more. we pulled the car into the CVS parking lot (though the CVS was on the wrong side of the street in my dream) and then we all ran inside the store, because we knew it was safer then our car. When we were in there we watch through the doors and windows as more tornados go by and after a few go by someone is stealing our car. (yeah it might have been a little disjointed). When the car got stolen here I am just getting my BFP and I'm running out into the storm to stop them from stealing the car, I actually didn't care about the car I just wanted my purse. I have no idea what was so important that I had to get my purse from the now stolen car, but I NEEDED to get it. (good thing it is a dream right?)

The dream starts to get more and more fuzzy at this point, but, the people who stole the car ask me something to the effect as to why they should let me get the purse and I yell back at them "Because I'm pregnant!" At this point everyone is supried, in my hubby. I hadn't told anyone yet, even him. I has wanted to have some kind of cute way to tell him. After that all I really remember is that we did get the car back and my purse which was apparently so important to me. And then that's all I remember about it but it was just really really weird expecially for me.

Second; well there really isn't a second I guees, I had planned on writing something more but I can't remember what it is now. I'll probably remember in the morning and write a post about it then.

~Cathrin

3ww

I have decided to update on my 2ww which I have actually decided to call my 3ww since my LP is about a a week longer then normal. Today I am 11DPO. It honestly doesn't feel like it's been that long since O, or that it's been over a week now since my appointment with the fertility specialist.

I haven't had any real symptoms this month; or at least nothing I couldn't just kind of right off as me just being weird. I've had an acne breakout which I'm not thinking much of. I am only nineteen after all so it's not like it couldn't just happen. I had a headache the other day, I know that a lot of pregnant people get a lot of headaches but I don't want to think of something like a headache as sign that I'm pregnant. That can happen at any time it doesn't mean I'm Pregnant. I was really hot the other day and yesterday some too. That honestly is the only that has surprised me. I grew up in the south and I love the heat pretty much since we've moved up north to be with my hubby's family I've been hiding under blankets. they had the window AC set to 72. It was never set that low back home, so it really surprised me when I was hot in a 72 degree room all the sudden when I used to have to be covered in blankets. My breasts have been a little sore but I'm thinking anything of that, they had decided to do that to me every 3ww since we started ttc.

I plan on testing on the 16th, I might test a couple of day before that but I'm not testing before the 14th. AF is due the 18th. I only have two pregnancy tests left and I don't want to by anymore since we aren't trying next cycle and probably a couple cycles after that.

~Cathrin

Appointment with fertility specialist

I was going to write this on Saturday when I got home from the doctors office but I haven't mostly because when I'm not playing the new video game that Chris got on Saturday, he's using the computer to play it. I could have easily grabbed the laptop and used it to write this post but I'm an avid writer so I much prefer to use the keyboard on my desk top. The reason's for that are that it is one of the ones that help keep you from getting carpral tunnel, and because after six years of my writing hundreds of thousands of words (possible in the millions) sometimes my keyboard likes to pretend that I didn't hit half of the letters in words. 

But I sucked it up and here I am using my laptop to write this post as my husband uses my amazing keyboard to play the Star Wars MMORPG. My computer is also having a fun time thinking I clicked somewhere else in the middle of my words too so I hope this makes since; I don't really proof read my blog posts other then maybe spelling.

Lets start out with the fact that currently both Hubby and I are out of jobs. In all honesty we never really planned on me working because I've never had one before so I wouldn't be making enough to cover the cost of daycare and at that point I might as well stay home with our baby. But because of neither of us having jobs at the moment we have a tendency to stay up late and sleep past noon. Our appointment Saturday was at 10:15; this translated to us getting up at eight. My hubby is not an easy person to wake up, if he doesn't want to wake up then he can pretty much sleep; or pretend to sleep tell I leave him alone. Luckily my hubby happily, well happily might be an exaggeration, got up and ready for the appointment.

We were in the car at 9:30. I wanted to get there a little early and I knew it would take at least half an hour to get there. We live in no mans land, the closest town is actually on the other side of the state line  and of course my doctors are in the center of the tiny little state that we now live in. We arrived at 10:06, gave them my insurance card and ID, as well as hubby's ID; and then we waited to be called back.

My doctor is really nice, he talked to us for a while and discussed what we were to do, I'm excited to have a plan even if I'm not a hundred percent happy with everything in it.

Here's the plan in short:
1) If your not pregnant this cycle, stop trying.
2) On CD1 call us and schedule an HSG.
3) Semen analysis for hubby.
4) Possibly genetic testing.

We're supposed to stop trying because of our losses, he was a little worried about our losses together and was ready to jump right into finding a fix for me tell I mentioned Devon. In case you don't remember Devon is the baby that my husband lost with a girl a couple of years before we met. I said this and he got worried that there is a genetic problem that is causing our issues. He wants us to stop TTC tell all of our testing is completed and anything that is wrong is fixed. He doesn't want me to get pregnant again and have another loss. I like he's looking out for us like that even though it means that we're not TTC anymore.

The HSG makes me happy honestly, I'm excited to see if there is anything wrong. I'm hoping that there isn't but at the same time I am hoping that there is. Maybe that would explain why I had my previous losses. I think that if there is nothing wrong I'll still have that gigantic question mark over my head and I would like that to go away. Of course if there is something wrong I want it to be an "easy" fix.

I'm not sure how hubby feels about the semen analysis. he isn't really one to talk about his feelings. He would much prefer to bottle it up and "just deal with it" really. He only opened up to me after Serenity was born after realizing that I needed to know how he was feeling and that I didn't always want him to the super solid rock, he could be "weak" sometimes too. But I don't think he's to bothered with the thought of getting the analysis; I think he wants to know if he's the "problem" or not. We will have to wait tell we have an extra hundred bucks before we can't do it though since Chris doesn't have insurance. I'm still on my father's insurance which is wonderful.

The genetic testing is something that we really probably should do but the thing is, it's just not in the budget. What little savings "we" had put together is pretty much gone, and gas in an important part of finding a job so that we can afford fertility tests and treatments as well as getting out of his parents house. I say "we" because the savings was mine that I've been putting together for years.

So suddenly I am really hoping that I get that BFP when I test on the 16th, I don't want to wait to TTC but I don't want to get pregnant to just to have another loss. I don't think I could handle that. Hubby and I had agreed that if we had another loss we would just go to adoption. We'll see though. I said I never wanted to get pregnant again after we lost Sterling and look at me now. (okay that took over a year but still)

I'll update about my 2ww, well 3ww really sometime soon;
~Cathrin

2DPO

This cycle I decided to try using soy isoflavones (but I'll just call it soy iso). I decided to take it because I wanted to have a stronger Ovulation then I had been having and to make sure that I actually did O because of our four completed cycles I had two annovulitory cycles. So for our fifth cycle (and our seventh month of TTC) I really just wanted that assurance that we would have a chance this cycle. I actually kind of feel like the cycles that I didn't O were wasted cycles. Like it was just a wast of time and effort on my and my Husband's part. I don't like that I feel that way because it is actually helping us get help conceiving but with how long and irregular my cycles are it really matters to me because before we know it, it will be next year.

I took the soy iso CD 5-9, with 160mg all five days. You can take it CD 1-5, 2-6, 3-7, 4-8, or 5-9 You aren't supposed to start it later then CD five because taking the soy too late in your cycle can do more harm then good. I chose my day's mostly because I just wanted a stronger egg. I didn't want to have more then one egg. Well I wouldn't mind twins but my husband being the voice of reason that he often is when it comes to TTC, keeps reminding me that there is no way we could afford to have twins. Since at the current moment neither of us have jobs, we are looking and are hoping that by the time I manage to get pregnant, and the baby would actually get here that we'll have a job.

This entire cycle I was feeling out, I mean I just felt like I wasn't going to O at all. I had no idea why, My cycles being as long as they are so I certainly wasn't expecting to O anytime soon. So I was confused by my onw feelings. So that you guys get some perspective on what I mean I was feeling this way around CD 10 tell like CD 20ish, in the past I've O'd on CD 23 and CD 33, and the cycle that I had paragaurd removed (the birth control I was on) I O'd around CD 43 based off of an ultrasound. So yeah I was not expecting to O soon even if I did O. I think the real reason I was feeling that way was because I was hoping that the soy would bring up my O date, even though I had read it normally didn't for the days I took it. 

Well here I sit and I'm 2DPO. I always temp, and this cycle I was using OPK which I've used once before but they decided not to give me a positive even though my temp showed that I O'd. I was apprehensive about using them again because I was worried that I would either never get a positive but get a temp spike or that they would give me a positive but that my temp wouldn't spike. But on CD25 (Monday) I had an almost positive OPK, as well as EWCM. I've had an almost positive OPK before, but I've never really had EWCM like I did this cycle. On CD26 I had a Positive OPK and more EWCM I was SO happy, all of the sudden I had hope for this cycle. I took another OPK CD27 and it was still Positive which really surprised me; I also still had EWCM, and my CP was finally high, soft, and open. On CD28 my opk was negative, my EWCM was gone, and my cervix while still high it was hard and not truly open any more.  I was only actually still using the OPKs to see when they stopped being Positive. My temp went up from the day before but it was by no means a spike. Today my temp went from barely over 97 degrees to almost 98 degrees. 

Count down to pregnancy is what had set my O date to Wednesday; the app on my phone (OvuView) also has my O date as being Wednesday, FF on the other hand has yet to give me cross hairs; hoping it will tomorrow and that my temp will still be nice and high. I'm really hoping that this is our month, though at the same time it won't bother me as much as normal if AF does show up in about eighteen days. The reason for that is that we are starting to go to the fertility specialist, and I trust that he can get me pregnant, hopefully with a sticky baby.

Our first appointment with the fertility Specialist is tomorrow morning; so now I'm going to run off and take a relaxing bath and then head to bed.

Baby Dust to all,

~Cathrin

Background

I'm not new to blogging, I've blogged off and on for about two years now. Now I've decided to start a blog specifically for TTC (trying to conceive). It will take me a little while to get this up and running how I want so bare with me.

Here is a run down of my story.

I met my husband when I was thirteen, I pretty much knew then that he was the one. When I was fifteen I got pregnant for the first time, I had a very early miscarriage on October 31st 2008. I decided to name the baby Feodora Laurent. A little over a year later I got pregnant again, our daughter, Serenity Grace, was stillborn on June 10th 2010. I was sixteen when I got pregnant and was seventeen when she was born. I got pregnant again while seventeen and had another early miscarriage on January 6th 2011, we named the baby Sterling Snow. My husband also has another angel named Devon James, he was lost to a missed miscarriage, they found out October 27th 2004.

I graduated high school June 11th 2011, the day after Serenity's first birthday. I got a tattoo in memory of my angels (this includes my stepson Devon) on June 17th 2011. On July 15th 2011 I married my husband. We didn't start trying right away, I wasn't ready. After I lost Sterling I didn't want to have another baby, I was just so scared to lose another baby. In February we decided to try to have a baby. I was ready to risk loss again in the hopes that we would have our rainbow.

After we started trying, and I started talking to other women who were TTC I realized that I don't have normal cycles. I've never had the regular twenty-eight day cycle, mine have always been somewhere between thirty and sixty days. So I talked to my OBGYN about it and he did blood tests to see if I was ovulating or not, and found that I didn't O that cycle. Right after that cycle ended we moved out of state to be closer to my husband's family. I found a new OBGYN and she told me I have a retroverted uterus, which I had never been told before. The thing I didn't like about her was that she didn't continue checking my Progesterone levels for Ovulation like my previous doctor, but she said that if I didn't get pregnant in a few more months then she would send me to a specialist.

After my last cycle which was one where I did O I realized that when I do O I have a LP of about twenty days so I went in to see her about it. She said that it could be delaying us getting pregnant but didn't really get into detail. My hubby and I told her that my doctor back home had mentioned starting me on clomid so she agreed to give a referral to see the specialist. I scheduled the appointment for this upcoming Saturday at 10:15.

I think, this for the most part, brings you up to date.
~Cathrin